I awoke with clarity. the word was so loud and clear in my head that instead of a groggy, slow start to my morning, I almost leapt, opened my laptop and googled it.

Surrogate.

It seems such a simple word and indeed it is not uncommon in the English language. Yet it has evaded me. Well, perhaps, its implications have evaded me, for years.

When I did sit down in front of laptop (of course I did not leap, I never leap) I found a site. It was red and yellow and had words, garish at first view, like ‘egg donor’, ‘birth mother’ and yes, ‘surrogate’. Then I saw it… ‘contact us’.

I almost closed the site. I suddenly felt powerless and that this was not allowed for me (issues…). Too frightened to continue. Then I took a breath, touched my broody centre and clicked it.

“what is your name?” -easy
“what is your contact information?” – okay.
“what is your profile?” – que?

What do they mean by profile? – “tall dark and handsome”, “desperate, have no womb”, “know will make wonderful parent, want a baby”???

So, I stared at the screen, wondering, will my answer effect my chances? If I give away any information, will it count against me and block this opportunity? What do they want me to say here?”.

I entered “Work in education. live in Johannesburg.”

hmmmm. that’s all.

“send”.

Reply: “hi Gavin, great to hear from you. Let’s meet.”

Calendar reminder says: “Wednesday @ 11am – baby.”

Right. I guess I am on the journey. It has begun.