Chemeli reminded me that I need get that sperm count. So, with all settled for the night I set off for Willgehoogoogal hospitial. I was as prepared as one could be for a sperm count test. “Ooooh, what to pack?” – well ipod of course, and a Hello magazine for the wait. Money – hmmm, no idea what it will cost… take debit card, credit card…R500 in cash?…hmmm what else… of of course will need something to… well … get the guys out. so slip magazine purchased at Adult World into bag and off I roll.”
11 pm is always deserted in Joburg. I made it to the clinic, handed in my form and sat down. No reaction from the night nurse. “I’ll call the other nurse.”
Well, let’s look through the magazines perhaps to find a picture which will help the mood change from clinical green, hospital to…daring, sexy private practice.
incoming message – from my mother of course. who else would I want to talk to at this moment. Chatting about recipes and Christmas dinner is interrupted by the Nurse’ entrance. She picks up my form and gets her bag out.
“Right we will do the blood now and then the sperm we will do in the morning.”
“Am I to stay the night?”
“No. For the sperm…the sperm, but where will you do them?”

Pause. many thoughts go through my head – the main one is ‘How should i know?’ “is there a special room?” – “the bathroom will be just fine.”
My silence and dumb expression prompt her to pick up the phone:
“Hello, yes, do you do sperm?
“…”
“No not vasectomy, sperm.”
“…”
“Sperm. Rotten sperm.”
“…”
“I know vasectomy she just looks to see if they are there, but this is for rotten sperm.”
holding receiver and leaning to me “she has to count them, not just see them.”
“…”
“Thursdays is appointment day. No, no appointment, just rotting sperm.”
“…”
“okay. okay. okay.” hang up.
“She can’t do it – she only counts. For rotting sperm you need to call this number.”

I delete my reply to my mother’s last message about Christmas Ham, try to stand with dignity, take my form and the number and say good night.

As I walk down the empty corridor i check the instructions written in black ink by my doctor: –

“Please do a routine sperm count.”

Onwards – forwards ever backwards never.