it has been a roller coaster. a summary:

Week 1 – implantation.

Week 2 – pregnancy test. one week early. waiting for results which come by email in the middle of my lesson. Negative. but yes one week early.

Week 3 – pregnancy test. right time – but negative again. received this time after a chat about the difficult day the nurse had and her weekend plans…

Week 4 – Go to Cape Town to record next episode of my Giraffe cartoon and … well of course, the one night I am not in Johannesburg, my surrogate starts to have massive pain. “please come take me to hospital.” hmmm, tricky. She gets admitted, Doc checks. I land back in Joburg, call surrogate. “You better call the Doctor.” “Well Mr Peter, I start by saying that it is most likely not good news, but I scanned your surrogate and there is something there.” Attachment. yes, Moet or Chamdon attached. well done boy! “But Mr Peter (you need a gentle Afrikaans lilt here) I ran five pregnancy tests, and even sent them all to different laboratories, and they are all negative.” so we have to wait … just in case.

Week 5 – Non-attachment begins. My surrogates starts bleeding. Moet and Chamdon slip away.

Week 6 – Sigh.

Week 7 – Trevor, Aparna, Anil, Anjali and Vimla come for Christmas. Attachment. Family love is truly an immeasurable gift. Together with holiday, it has allowed for a chance to start to rebuild and get clarity.

Week 8 – so here we are. we have to make the decision to either go forward again or open myself to other options or other journeys. I want to be as clear and sure as I was when I began this journey, or as clear and confident of my journey I was a few weeks ago. I will heal from this disappointing blow, I will just need some time and give myself the opportunity to listen to myself again.

“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” Albert Camus