it has been a roller coaster. a summary:
Week 1 – implantation.
Week 2 – pregnancy test. one week early. waiting for results which come by email in the middle of my lesson. Negative. but yes one week early.
Week 3 – pregnancy test. right time – but negative again. received this time after a chat about the difficult day the nurse had and her weekend plans…
Week 4 – Go to Cape Town to record next episode of my Giraffe cartoon and … well of course, the one night I am not in Johannesburg, my surrogate starts to have massive pain. “please come take me to hospital.” hmmm, tricky. She gets admitted, Doc checks. I land back in Joburg, call surrogate. “You better call the Doctor.” “Well Mr Peter, I start by saying that it is most likely not good news, but I scanned your surrogate and there is something there.” Attachment. yes, Moet or Chamdon attached. well done boy! “But Mr Peter (you need a gentle Afrikaans lilt here) I ran five pregnancy tests, and even sent them all to different laboratories, and they are all negative.” so we have to wait … just in case.
Week 5 – Non-attachment begins. My surrogates starts bleeding. Moet and Chamdon slip away.
Week 6 – Sigh.
Week 7 – Trevor, Aparna, Anil, Anjali and Vimla come for Christmas. Attachment. Family love is truly an immeasurable gift. Together with holiday, it has allowed for a chance to start to rebuild and get clarity.
Week 8 – so here we are. we have to make the decision to either go forward again or open myself to other options or other journeys. I want to be as clear and sure as I was when I began this journey, or as clear and confident of my journey I was a few weeks ago. I will heal from this disappointing blow, I will just need some time and give myself the opportunity to listen to myself again.
“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” Albert Camus
gavinmichaelpeter 
Been thinking about you, my darling Gavi, and wondering how you are dealing with ‘things’ and how the decision-making is going. I decided that reading your blog would make me feel like closer to you, and give me an idea about your thoughts. It has. It’s tough. You have a very tough time ahead. But don’t lose confidence. If you decide to go ahead and do it all again, KNOW that you will be the most wonderful father and that we all love you and believe in you, and you are NOT alone! Moët and Chandon will have so many aunties and uncles that they you will be begging for some time alone with them!
Eli has been singing this VERY irritating song of late:
“See-saw UP and DOWN, See-saw UP and DOWN (repeat foe at least 5 minutes)”
It makes me thing of you, this journey: your courage, your openness, your heart, your magic, and your sadness. I love you and whatever way you go, I will be still be behind you, alongside you – singing: seesawupanddownseesawupanddownseesaw…..